It's hard.

I need to put my feelings into words, once again. I need to let out something I've been meaning to let out for a long time, but never had the courage to do it. I've not had the time, either, but I've not had the courage to tell you how much you mean to me, and how much I wish I could take back everything I've ever said to you, everything I've ever done to you.

It ain't no fun lying down to sleep
And there ain't no secrets left for me to keep
I wish the stars up in the sky
Would all just call in sick
And the clouds would take the moon out
On some one-way trip

I can't stress to you how much you mean to me. I met you in kindergarten, and we were fast friends. You and I both believe firmly in Jesus, and that was the root of our friendship. We shared love for the same man, the man who carried his cross up the hill, and then died upon it to save both you and I. To save us from our sins, to save us from what we have done, are doing, and will do in the future.

I drove all night down streets that wouldn't bend
But somehow they drove me back here once again
To the place I lost at love, and the place I lost my soul
I wish I'd just burn down this place that we called home

When you transferred to my school, I was happy. I met you and another friend of mine, both of you I hadn't seen in years. To be honest, I ran right past you; My friend referred to me as a "Blond Blur" who rushed by. How could I know that in the next year or two I would hurt you so bad, or how bad you would hurt me?

It would all have been so easy
If you'd only made me cry
And told me how you're leaving me
To some organ grinder's lullaby

Yes, you and I dated for a while. We were crazy for each other, but at the same time, we both were unsatisfied. So.. I ended it, after you kept hinting at it. I didn't have the strength to tell you I was sorry- I was on my knees, weeping, because I knew, deep down, you hated me.

It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go

I had a horrible day, one day, months after we broke up. I ended up in guidance, telling the counselor all that was on my mind (which was everything and everyone's troubles), and I cried for about an hour, just thinking. You and two other friends wrote me letters, telling me how much you missed me, and wanted me to tell you what was up when something was. And I felt happy. It made me happy that you cared.

You didn't, though...

Now the sky, it shines a different kind of blue
And the neighbor's dog don't bark like he used to
Well - me, these days
I just miss you - it's the nights that I go insane
Unless you're coming back for me
That's one thing I know that won't change

You didn't talk to me for weeks after that. You haven't talked to me SINCE that day. Why tell me you loved me, if you didn't at all...?

It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go

I'm not perfect. Neither are you. But.. We can't dwell on that which angers us. Besides, that was last year, and I know you told me that you needed some time. You've had time. You had your chance. (Hell, I set you up with your current boyfriend.) But now.. Don't. Just don't try, if the thought crosses your mind.

Now some tarot card shark said I'll draw you a heart
And we'll find you somebody else new
But I've made my last trip to those carnival lips
When I bet all that I had on you

It's been a hard decision, but I've decided to let you go. We've been through so much.. And I respect that. But I can't do this anymore, I can't worry about how you think of me. You can love me, you can hate me. Just don't tell me.

It's hard, it's hard, it's hard, so hard
It's hard letting you go
It's hard, so hard, it's tearing out my heart
But it's hard letting you go

That's it, I'm done... It's been nice knowing you, I wish you the best.. Have a good life...

~ Tim

Say it isn't so.

I've had a rough weekend. I know it's memorial day weekend, and I should be all "yaaaaay, break time", but it hasn't been "break time". It's been "Oh **** time"

I just can't believe
It was all a lie
No man in the moon
Just a big light in the sky

First of all, I failed my Algebra 2 EOC. I failed it SO bad that I don't have to come back and retake it. The department of education has deemed me a hopeless case, so they believe that more education and another retake would simply be a waste of time. And paper. So.. Yeah. Damn.

I hear Disneyland
Might lose Mickey Mouse
In some giant hostile corporate shake-up
Tell me it's a nightmare
Please wake me up

So.. I took my guitar exam, knowing full well that I failed my previous EOC. I know that affected my playing, or my sight-reading at least. I sang and played "Wanted Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi, and I did phenomenally. I think I did, at least. I'm not much of a vocalist (I've never been really trained), and I'm still getting used to the whole Singing AND Playing atthesametime. But, I pulled it off, and received a nice applause from my small class of guitar mates.

Say it isn't so

So.. The exam went A: Present solo songs. B: Guitar Exam (Sight reading, chords, scales, etc.) C: Free time (We watched "Up".) After everyone was through presenting, we proceeded to the exam portion, and I messed up a few times, but did overall well. After everyone was done, we went on to watch Up, and then the bell rang for lunch. I was really down about my EOC grade still, and my best guy friend at school, Quentin, picked up on it. He walked me around school for a while while I played the guitar for random people eating. I met up with another friend of mine, and the three of us talked until the bell rang.

I found a book of matches
From someplace we've never been
How come you hang the phone up
The minute I walk in

We reviewed for Civics for Two. Freaking. Hours. It was painful, until we had to play Jeopardy. That was fun. 'cept the group I was with didn't know hardly anything, and they all turned to me for answers. Say it isn't so.

Last night I had this dream
That I was losing you
I woke up in a cold sweat shaking
Rescue me my heart is breaking

I didn't know all of them, but I know a few. We didn't win (shocker there, huh?), and the review session was finally over. Quentin and I made our way to the car pick-up line, and I met my dad in the parking lot across from school. I gave him the bad news about Algebra, and we had a talk, I got a little frustrated, and then it was okay. Sort of.

Say it isn't so (tell me it's not true)
Say it isn't so (I believe in you)
Tell me it's a lie (I don't need no proof)
Say everything's all right (couldn't be, not you)
Say it isn't so

We made our way to a hotel (it was mom's birthday, and we were doing this for her), and we set up shop in the room, and went down to the pool afterwards. It wasn't very big, but it was good enough. I tore my shirt off shortly after we got there, and dove in the water. Juli, my sister, told me I have a "Sexy Back". Thanks, Juli. Actually, when she told me that, I realized that I'm actually happy with the way my body looks. Three or four years ago, I was NOT happy. At all. I was a little large, and now I'm a little underweight. I like it that way, though.

Superman don't fly
They did it all with strings
Elvis Presley died
They deep fried the king
Like some tacky cheesy bathing beauty
Dancing on the beach in a bad b-movie

I got out after a while, dried off, and put my shirt back on. My head was hurting a little bit, but I figured it was just a small headache. when we got upstairs, I pulled out my bed, and laid down for a little. My head was hurting a little more, and my parents set some medicine out after a while. I was asleep before I could take it, though. When I woke up, I took another swim, then conked out again.

Say it isn't so (tell me it's not true)
Say it isn't so (I believe in you)
Tell me it's a lie (I don't need no proof)
Say everything's all right (couldn't be, not you)

I woke up at 3am, with a searing migraine. It hurt so bad that I almost got sick about five times. It's the worst migraine I've ever had, and that's pretty bad because the worst one I've ever had was incredible. I sat up in bed, holding my head for about 30 minutes, then my parents woke up, and saw that I was in pain, and gave me the medicine in a snap. I calmed down, and fell asleep again after a while.

Say it isn't so (don't give up on me)
Say it isn't so (don't give up on you)
Get me through the night (we'll make it through)
Make everything all right (couldn't be, not you)
Say it isn't so...

When I woke up, four hours later, my headache was gone. Entirely. It was amazing. Best feeling I've ever felt, the feeling of not being in pain after being in agonizing pain. I helped mom gather breakfast, and we ate, and the went for a swim. My baby cousins soon got there, and we had dinner together, then we all left for home (except mom, she stayed). I was happy to be home...

Say it isn't so (tell me it's not true)
Say it isn't so (I believe in you)
Tell me it's a lie (I don't need no proof)
Say everything's all right (couldn't be, not you)

Yesterday and today have been.. Bad. I can't say why, and perhaps it's intensified because I'm terribly bored (I've bee playing an MMORPG called "Fiesta" nonstop for hours), but it was a really bad incident earlier that I don't want to repeat.

Say it isn't so (don't give up on me)
Say it isn't so (don't give up on you)
Get me through the night (we'll make it through)
Make everything all right (couldn't be, not you)
Say it isn't so

All in all.. I'm looking forward to school. Just not really.

(The lyrics were from Bon Jovi's "Say It Isn't So")

~ Tim

Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism that involves taking our own unacceptable qualities or feelings and ascribing them to other people. For example, if you have a strong dislike for someone, you might instead believe that he or she does not like you. Projection functions to allow the expression of the desire or impulse, but in a way that the ego cannot recognize, therefore reducing anxiety.

(I found this definition HERE.)

Well, I don't show off, don't criticize
I'm just livin' by my own feelings
And I won't give in, won't compromise
I just only have a steadfast heart of gold

Hey gang... I'll explain the definition at the top in a bit, but first, I have a few things to talk about. So.. I might be getting a hedgehog. There's a strong possibility that I will be owning my own hedgehog. I am so flipping excited I can't wait. I need to get a job as soon as possible, though. If I get one, that means I need a cage, food, water, a place to put the cage, and there's always toys. But still, my mom is considering letting me have my own hedgehog. I want a boy, because boys are always less aggressive than girls. And I'm going to name him Dante. Dante the Hedgehog. Totally epic.

I don't know why, I can't leave though it might be tough
But I ain't out of control, just livin' by my word
Don't ask me why, I don't need a reason
I got my way, my own way

My friend that snapped at me last week.. I sorted things out with her today. I went to go see my guidance counselor about what I should do, and she told me that she needed to call both of us in there together so that we could talk. I was really for it. So, she wrote me a pass, and told me to come back 15 minutes before the end of the day.

It doesn't matter now what happens I will never give up the fight
There is no way I will run away from all of my frights
Long as the voice inside me says go, I will always keep on running
There is no way to stop me from going to the very top

So, I did.

It doesn't matter who is wrong and who is right

I got in there, and my friend was already there, and she seemed to be in a good mood. That was a good sign. We sat down, and we talked for a bit. All this past week/end, I felt that I was just bugging her to death. I kept getting that impression. So, I avoided her. (I'm glad I made it discreet, because she had no idea I was actually going out of my way to avoid her.) We talked, got off topic a little, and kept talking, something I rarely get to do with her anymore. Anyways, she told me that it was nothing personal, she just needed space. And I have to understand that. I need to realize that I can't be the one to solve all her problems, even if I want to. I can't. She needs to be able to work them out on her own. So, she's asked me to let her be for a while, but she's not mad. Just stressed.

Well, I won't look back I don't need to
Time won't wait and I got so much to do

Okay, I can do that, right?

Where do I stop, it's all a blur and so unclear
Well, I don't know but I can't be wrong

Today, right before second period, I asked a friend of mine if she was okay. She'd had a bad Friday, and I wanted to make sure she was all right, you know? She told me that she was, and if I asked again, she'd hit me. She was kidding, but another friend of mine noticed this and told me that she thought I was projecting. I asked her why, and she told me why.

This fight is not for anybody, this is purely for myself
There is no way I'm gonna give up 'til the very end
I can't tell what is wrong and what is right, I've got to find the answer
But I do there's no way I will ever give up

The definition says that it's a defense mechanism that involves taking our own bad feelings and ascribing them to something else. Well, I've almost always got something troubling on my mind, and that makes me think that everyone around me has something on their mind. So, I always ask people if they're okay. And I'm guilty of that, on a number of levels. I agree with my friend, I'm projecting.

Place all your bets on the one you think is right

All in all, it was a good Monday.

It doesn't matter now what happens I will never give up the fight
There is no way I will run away from all of my frights
Long as the voice inside me says go, I will always keep on running
There is no way to stop me from going to the very top

(The lyrics I used were from Crush 40's "It Doesn't Matter")

~Tim

I really am Misunderstood.

Eurgh. This week has been, quite frankly, BAD. Well, with the exception of Monday, I think. No, wait, Monday sucked. It was a Monday, of course it sucked.

Should I? Could I?
Have said the wrong things right a thousand times
If I could just rewind, I see it in my mind
If I could turn back time, you'd still be mine

On Tuesday, it sorta started like any other day. Not much happened in the morning, and my day went on. I went to school, learned absolutely nothing so it seemed, and got home. Another oh-so productive day. Well, I messaged a friend of mine on Facebook because I thought she needed someone to talk to. Honestly, I was planning on asking her out. I don't know why, but lately.. I've just hated life, pretty much. This person in particular knows just how to cheer me up sometimes, and I wish she would see how much I care about her. But alas, as my tragic and complicated love life goes, she told me to quit bothering her. So.. Strike One, in week bad.

You cried, I died
I should have shut my mouth, things headed south
As the words slipped off my tongue, they sounded dumb
If this old heart could talk, it'd say you're the one
I'm wasting time when I think about it

On Wednesday, fast forward to lunch. I was walking with another friend of mine, one that's pretty much a sister to me. I had asked her how she was and if she was okay about an hour earlier, and she said she was. I didn't believe her. So.. On the way to her next class, I asked her again, and she snapped at me. Well, actually, she took my head off. I sorta went along with it, and let her go at her next class. I was walking back to my lunch period, and I was really upset. Really, she NEVER snaps at me like that. So yeah, I was sad. Strike Two, in week bad.

I should have drove all night, I would have run all the lights
I was misunderstood
I stumbled like my words, Did the best I could
Damn, misunderstood

On Thursday, I got to school really early, and when I do that, I wait out front with my friends. Well, all day that day I just wanted to be left alone. I still want to be left alone. Truth be told, I'm just tired. This upcoming week of testing is nipping at my heels, and it's going to hit me harder than I really want it to. Anyways, I went to the soccer field and waited there, it gave me time to think. Apparently I looked sad, because several people stopped by to ask me if I was okay. I decided later that day that I was going to avoid my friend, something I haven't done for a while. I ALWAYS walk her to her class. Well, I didn't. And as much as it hurts me to not talk to her, I have to give her space. I keep getting the impression that I'm aggravating her, and that I'm just not wanted. So.. I gave her space. I watched from behind a pillar as she and her friends walked off towards the soccer field, and off into the distance. There goes friend number two...

Could I? Should I?
Apologize for sleeping on the couch that night
Staying out too late with all my friends
You found me passed out in the yard again

Friday. Today. More of the same, really. I avoided my friend again, though I did write her a letter. All that it said was that I wasn't ignoring her, just avoiding her, giving her space. I keep getting the feeling I'm stressing her out, so I told her that. I also told her that I wasn't sure when I would talk to her again, but that she needed to know that I wasn't mad. And I'm not. I'm just trying to help, I'm trying to be polite. I don't want to get in the way.

You cried, I tried
To stretch the truth, but didn't lie
It's not so bad when you think about it

I thought about it all day today. I thought about how maybe giving her that note was a bad idea. It was, most likely. Her status on facebook said that she had cried for most of the day. All I have running through my mind is how horrible I am... I can't seem to do anything right. I can't. And I hate it. Strike Three.

I'm out.

I should have drove all night, I would have run all the lights
I was misunderstood
I stumbled like my words, did the best I could
Damn, misunderstood
Intentions good

I've lost three friends over the past year. Three people that mean the world to me. Three people that I wish I could say sorry to. Three people that I wish I could save. Three people who used to look up to me, but now they can't stand the sight of me..

It's you and I, just think about it...

I know there's no point in worrying like I do, but I can't help it. I'm losing you guys left and right. Don't leave me, I can't do this alone..

I should have drove all night
I would have run all the lights
I was misunderstood
I stumbled like my words, did the best I could
I 'm hanging outside your door
I've been here before
Misunderstood

*sigh* Well, I should wrap up this post. I've had "Misunderstood" on loop this whole time, and I've posted the lyrics throughout the post. Here's a link to the song, if you're bothering to read this.

I stumbled like my words, did the best I could
Damn, misunderstood
Intentions good.

My intentions really were good. I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

~Tim

Hey, Skype me real fast, I need to talk.

It's funny how so many made up words (Yahoo, Google, Skype, Facebook) have become verbs. "Hey, Facebook message me a second, will you?" "Skype me, we need to talk." "Did you Google your name last night?"

On Facebook, you can "friend" people. I had no idea that "to friend" was a verb. In spanish, what is it, "amigar?" Who knows. It's just interesting to me.

Besides today's hip hop lingo and Facebook, I have been looking into a previously-mentioned website- Skype. Me and my friend, Hanna, were talking, (She had a webcam, I have some awesome speaker-earphones), and I decided "Hey. I need a webcam." So, we went out and got one.

Above is my favorite image that I've gotten. It makes me laugh ridiculously (Fancy that- it's my profile picture on Facebook). You can add all sorts of borders, masks, silly hair, and alterations to yourself with it. It is quite a time waster, too. For instance, I wasted maybe.. an hour just messing around? Still, it was worth the laugh.

Besides getting a webcam, my weekend has been pretty enjoyable. On Saturday, I went down to the River with my friends, and we had a blast. Annie made some chocolate cake that was to die for, and Nicole brought some coke. Sugar plus Sugar plus Tim plus Tim's hyperactivity equals really fun trip for us all. The first thing I did was climb a pine tree. On a previous trip, I had climbed the same tree, but in a race with a friend of mine, Josef. I won, because Norwegians > Germans.

This time, however, was different. I raced up the tree, and got several cuts along the way. I didn't care though, I was having fun. On the way down, I untied a rainbow ribbon and gave it to Annie, who was very grateful for it was pretty. That, or she just wanted a multi-colored ribbon. Either way, she got it. We made our way towards the river after that.

After climbing on some logs, I was running back to the water-part of the river when all of the sudden "CRACK!" my ankle un-friended me. I managed to sprain my ankle, and even while I'm typing this, my ankle is hugely swollen. But, it's nothing. Hehe.

We swam about for a bit, and after a few hours, we all departed. My dad drove me to Staples, and I got my webcam, and a present for a friend of mine or her birthday party, which was later that day. After limping about in Staples, we got home, plugged up the webcam, and me and Hanna chatted for a little while. It came to be about 7:30pm, and I needed to get going to Kelly's house (for her birthday party).

My ankle was throbbing by the time I got there, but I still didn't care. I hardly ever get to see Kelly anymore, and it sucks, because I love her to death. I met some of her friends, and I was finally introduced to her boyfriend. I am so happy that she's happy with him, because I can't think of a better person for her than him.

We played around a little, and me and Nick (Kelly's bf) hit it off like a bang. He and I talked pretty much the whole time we were there, and I really enjoyed meeting him, because he's really funny. We told some jokes, and, since we were two of the only guys there, had a few laughs about things girls would slap us over. Later in the evening, the girls decided to go outside. In the dark.

Oh boy.

We ended up giving each other piggy-back rides. Haha, bad idea. I gave Nick a piggy back ride, and BAM my back un-friended me. He and I both hit the pavement, and I successfully wrecked a perfectly good party for about 10 minutes. Kelly bandaged he and I up, and while she was doing that, we both were worrying about the other person. He had a cut on his hand, and I had cuts on both hands and my knee. I said I was fine, and he said he was fine, and we limped it off, and had a few laughs.

My dad came to pick me up at 11pm, and I said bye to everyone.

That was one of the most fun days I've ever had, even if I did get a few scratches. Just scars to laugh about, you know? Hehe.

~ Tim

For you. Both of you.

There are two very important people in my young adolescent life, and both I care a lot about. I'm not saying who, but if you KNOW me, you know who. This is for you guys. Er, girls, rather.

You're both my best friends.

I love you both,

You both drive me crazy,

You both make me smile,

You both tear me apart.

You both make me want more,

You both show me the door,

You both welcome me in,

You both kick me out.

You both used to be real close,

and I tore you apart.

You both used to be friends,

And you let me ruin it all.

You both help me a lot,

You both add to my problems,

You both try to figure me out,

You both succeed at driving me nuts.

You both are increasingly dramatic,

One lives,

One loves,

One loves with her heart,

The other loves with her head.

One knows me,

One KNOWS me,

One is like me,

One is not.

One is gentle,

The other, not so much,

One is controlling,

One is submissive.

However, I love both of you,

From both ends of my heart,

I wish I could help as much as I want,

As much as you have helped me.

I want to say more,

But it's not my place (yet).

So, for now, I leave it with this,

Thank you. Both of you.

~ Tim

Good morning Starshine, the Earth says "haldo!"

Yo. It's been quite a while, hasn't it, Blogger? We meet again. After (insert however the hell long it was) years. I've updated my crib, thankyaverrymuch. Now, I got rid of that horrible picture that was taken (insert however the hell long ago) years ago, and replaced it with one I actually like. I'm STILL not very photogenic, that much remains the same. Though I have changed, I daresay, quite a lot, over the past (don't make me say it again) year(s). Remember that quick-tempered zippy little loud mouth of a middle schooler? Yeah, not anymore. Sophomore year baby, and about to be a junior. (Hopefully.)

So.. Yeah. A lot has changed. I've written a ton of poems over the past couple of months, as a matter of fact, if you're reading this, here's one:
(It's my favorite. =])

Glass Tiger

You can hurt me, but never break me,
You can harm me, but never crush me,
You can fool me, but never tame me,
You may catch me, but I'll soon be free.

I'm the lone hunter of the pack,
I'm the one who waits as others come,
I stand alone, bruised and cracked,
Waiting to see what sweet morning will bring,

I don't see what others see,
They see something that I do not see,
They see something inside of me,
A strange, unique gift, I wish I could see...

I have a glass heart,
A glass soul even,
Untouched by evil, that sets me apart
From so many others claiming to be like me,

I am a tiger, no doubt,
I wait in the grass,
But something is off, Something's not right,
I'm made of Glass.

I get teased by others,
I'm different, they know.
I don't let them get to me, but..
They could let up a little, though...

You can hurt me, but never break me,
You can harm me, but never crush me,
You can fool me, but never tame me,
You may catch me, but I'll soon be free.

I make mistakes, I'm just a cub,
It adds to the confusion of whats in me that you see,
I mean, be honest;
Who could ever love me?

I'm different, I'm weird,
My issues always immense,
I'm crazy, insane maybe,
I never make sense,

I wish you would love me,
But I know you never possibly could,
I don't blame you, I'm odd,
Who ever would?

You can hurt me, but never break me,
You can harm me, but never crush me,
You can fool me, but never tame me,
You may catch me, but I'll soon be free.

I'm a Glass Tiger.

It's supposed to be about me, but I've been told I'm more like a glass sheep. Oh well.
Okay.. Well, I wrote this post 'cause Joshua Adam Allman keeps riding me about getting back into blogging. So here you are, mi hermano. Hehe.

Later gang!
~ Tim